i hate your mistakes
you are all stupid and wrong
you are inaccurate
you are sloppy
you don't get it
you don't care
lazy, stupid, wrong
no precision
no attention to detail
dull, not sharp
you don't understand what is right
rightness
correctness
goodness
it's a standard
you don't understand
you don't care
people without standards!
ugh
you ruin everything
selfish mediogres
what about art?
...the art of things???
hateful hateful ribbons
tied around my wrists
the shame convinces me that you no longer matter
deities whine
you are a sinner
you fucking sinners
copulating, fornicating, procreating
delusional hippies
break free from satan
really?
oh, not even as a joke can i say that
evil is enough to believe in
i don't need mythology around the concept
truancy
you shirker
shirky shirk shorkkkkk
you don't do what you are supposed to do
you are supposed to be somewhere
but you are somewhere else
hortense
my high school boyfriend's mother's name was hortense
maybe it was in spanish, "hortensia"
how horrendous a name!
wow
years of fears and tears
tare
orangina
monkey
matters
mind
don't mind your business music book applications gears scissors calculator folders compass pictures fox word basket smiling faces rocket ship eagle book calendar pad list map rainbow bubble camera
forever
steech fever fever feever don't caitch neenee ronner pay seemah daint dant dontt dontt dontt
dondondondondondondondondondondon
pwackpwak dough dough dough rock
rachrachrackrach
sheetraa sheep schleecka skleeka skleecka shicka shiek sheik shriek shriek said the sheik far said the czar
czar czar baby
know a czar?
know a czar? know one ? know one? who knows a czar?
kill me
crazy crazy
free free free free free free free
junk mind
random baseless hatred cat wallet bill paper
paid the bill paid the bill paid the bil
bills
die wanna die
cats cat
please help me help me
put the card away
plans
plans for plastic money
open the book
sing a song
read it
finish reading it
tails would
waht what would i do with a tail
who would be scared if i had a tail?
can i wear a collar?
am i a cat?
no i am not a cat. not yet anyway
yesterday wary portree eep eek he used to say eep sometimes i think
am i wrong? jed fuck i was crazy about you
i wanted to such your fuch
your smell
your clothes had a smell...
the smell of my love for you
you
you never stayed
you were always leaving
you never did what i wanted you to do
i don't want to think about you
it's fun to think about you sometimes
i used to love kissing you, didn't i?
yes! at the terrence something art exhibit...all that salt...it was weird. we just made out made the fuck out
it's not woerth thinking about
we are old now
15 years have passed
i am a writer you are a writer
we are perfect together
i am talented
i take eccentric dance classes
i have blemishes but it's ok because i still look so much younger than my age
i don't feel like doing this
i am escaping escaping escaping
i should ...might as well...be asleep
i carry my shell around
people think it's very strange
i don't belong here
i am running down the sidewalk crying
because you pierced my eyes with yours
and told me i was in a fantasy world
he ran after me because he felt
dorry for me
another chapter
today with cat on desk
convulsive purrs
i, feeling strangely curious,
the light outside feels clear and stark
the grime and must on my skin feels like the early morning
the cat's name is allie
she writes nonsense on this keyboard
just like her caretaker
insults
to self
i have an appointment with the therapist in 30 minutes
i don't want to talk to her
what do i do?
i want to run into the arms of freedom and highness
a lapse in reality
find me, kingdom, queendom
binary, polar existence
up and down
cold and hot
fast and slow
i stumble over intermediate degrees
never finding my strength or depth in extremes
a writing
a mirage
i sit here
writing
typing
tapping fingers
feeling nothing
is that true?
do re mi
fa
a long, long way to run
the sound of music
i hate music
it hurts
who wants those feelings?
leave my feelings alone
i don't want any feelings
go away
leave me alone
alone
alone
alone
sola
...
i thought of writing a book about my life
called
Sola : A Portrait of Social Anxiety
Part I: Hinsdale Street
Chapter One
I stood by our porcelain sink, white enamel wearing off it. No--it was possibly a cast iron sink--the white was wearing off and revealing that black under it. I remember the ripples or corrugations of the draining board to the left of the sink. It was dry. Mom had finished washing the dishes hours before. It was around 10:00 pm. Dad wasn't home yet. I was worried. I was a worried four-year-old girl waiting for Dad to come home. He had never stayed out that late before. It was dark outside. I could see through the windows that it was dark. It was not day time but the time of night; the time that seemed to make Mom and Dad nervous; the time that they watched the news on television about all the bad things that happened between adults, especially at night.
Part II: Sheridan Avenue
Part III: Poplar Avenue
Part IV:
